Whip to be square

Whip to be square

The appropriation of leather, rubber and revealing clothing was one of those fin-de-siècle symptoms that turned out to be not so fin at all

Julie Burchill
Saturday November 11, 2000
The Guardian

I don't know about you - and knowing what culturally upright people you stern-but-fair Guardian readers actually are, I think it's quite unlikely that you listen to pop radio at all - but there's always at least one, current hit record which is so rotten that I will stop anything, and I mean anything, in order to cross the room and turn it off. Recent culprits have been anything by the vile U2, Music by Madonna - and now, I'm afraid, Holler, the Spice Girls' comeback record.

But it's worse this time - far, far worse. Even though I was irritated by the Madonna record, I didn't find the idea of Madge dancing with her bay-bee nauseating or anything. But when I hear the Spice Girls' record, I am victim to a host of lurid visions that I neither want nor need in my life. Apparently, they're going to take us to their "fantasy room" and "we're going to like it there". After which it will be no time at all before they're making us "holler holler" and, allegedly, scream their names.

My main problem with this is that I am both too worldly and too prim, and so any of the ways of interpreting this threat/promise upsets me. The obvious thing they're going to do to you in their fantasy room is give you a blowjob. But what sort of fantasy is that? Everyone's got oral sex coming out of their ears, these days; it would actually be quite exotic to meet someone who wouldn't go south - you'd think they were really kinky. If this is what they're singing about, I find it quite pitiably pedestrian.

Then my imagination starts to run riot. Face it, the Spice Girls are grown-up, experienced women. They're not going to be singing about doing the oral as though it's a cure for cancer. So it must be something more extreme. If they've got a special room for it, it would have to be. Would that be a dungeon, then? With like . . . waterproof sheeting on the floor? Oh, no! Horrible visions of Scary relieving herself on the innocent bodies of her paying public come to mind. No wonder Geri got out while she could.

Then I tell myself not to be so silly. No way would the Spice Girls be peddling a record to their tiny fans that advocated the joys of urophilia. But then, they've encouraged tiny children all around the country to sing about their lovers (Wannabe) and wearing condoms (2 Become 1). Would it really be such a big jump to crooning about the joy of watersports? And if so, will they be round to bestiality by Christmas?

On balance, I think that Les Spices are singing about S&M - a very M&S type of S&M, but S&M all the same. There's a lot of it about these days. The appropriation of leather, rubber and extremely revealing clothing - once the province of the sweaty suburban swinger and then the hardcore clubber - by wholesome mainstream celebrities such as Davina McCall (who arrived at the Q Awards brandishing a whip last week) was one of those fin-de-siècle symptoms which have turned out to be not so fin at all. On a more cerebral level, look at the enduring appeal of the cruel Mrs Thatcher to Tory MPs, or the latest excruciatingly cutting string to Anne Robinson's bow.

Yes, fun and games at the Commons last week when, using an "arousal monitor", scientists were surprised to find that 80% of MPs and peers got more aroused by being shown photographs of Mrs Thatcher than they did by pictures of semi-naked models, a lesbian kiss or Denise van Outen in a skimpy dress. Amusingly, party allegiance made no difference to the results, though the one (anonymous, male, Labour) MP who reacted most strongly to a photo of Tony Blair was "very surprised and a bit embarrassed". Peter, sweetie - don't worry about it.

Outside of Parliament, conventional stimulus ruled. But are even we civilians immune to the dark appeal of the dominatrix? Surely a good 80% of the appeal of the BBC's new smash hit show The Weakest Link is the stony-faced severity of Anne Robinson, and the heartlessness - even brisk enjoyment - with which she despatches her victims to take the long walk of shame past the camera: think about it, it wouldn't be half as compelling with Henry Kelly or Jenny Powell grinning and soothing at the podium. Tellingly, the show is the brainchild of a doctor (who tend to be sadists) and a comedian (who tend to be masochists).

Commenting on the show's imminent sale to more than a dozen countries, BBC Worldwide said that Johnny Presenter-Foreigner would have to maintain the tone set by Robinson: "Foreign broadcasters are mesmerised by Anne. They are amazed at how tough and forthright she is, and that people are willing to be put through the mill by her. They've never seen anything like it before."

No doubt the spread of The Weakest Link will generate lots of simple-minded smut from our European friends about our collective desire to be dominated by ill-tempered women, coming so soon after the Mrs T shocker. Let them laugh; I have a theory that those countries which have a good record for winning wars don't mind their menfolk being seen as submissive, while those countries where the men are unwilling or unable to fight would prefer them to be seen as sadists for the sake of their own self-respect. That's why the French have got the Marquis de Sade and The Story Of O and we've got Anne Robinson and Mrs T.

This was part of the reason I felt unable to join my liberal colleagues in weeping a tear for poor ickle Lord "Spanker" Holme when he lost his cushy billet as chairman of the Broadcasting Standards Commission a couple of weeks ago. As Spinal Tap found out during the "Smell The Glove" fiasco, there's a thin line between sexist and sexy. Looking back to his line to his lover quoted in the News Of The World story: "Remember every minute after 5 o'clock adds six hard strokes. Think about it and tremble", indeed! I suppose that my contempt for Lord Holme is a close, better-behaved relation to my contempt for Eminem (and I bet that's the only time those two will ever be bracketed together): in a world where women are subject to such a massive amount of harassment, hate crimes and domestic murder (two a week) at the hands of men, isn't fantasising about hurting women, too, a little lousy? And try as we might to be enlightened about these things in theory, I bet that even the most liberal of men would feel uneasy if his own sister, mother or daughter became involved in a sadistic relationship - just as many men approve of prostitution so long as it's not their daughters, mothers or sisters out there turning tricks. It's not only the right which has sexual double standards.

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